Have you ever had moments in your life (work or otherwise) where your emotions are bubbling up so violently that they might tip you into a 'one bad day' scenario that the Joker always talks about? For the uninitiated, in the one-shot graphic novel 'Batman: The Killing Joke', the Joker tries to push Batman into having one perfectly bad day. The Joker's theory is that every good-natured person in the world is only one bad day away from becoming a stark raving lunatic. This graphic novel is one of my all-time favorite graphic novels that explores the dark recesses of the human psyche and asks the extremely important question: 'Are we all just one bad day away from becoming bad versions of ourselves?' Are we constantly living on the edge of madness and chaos, where all it takes is one gentle nudge for us to be lost forever in the abyss of despair and negativity? Are we all under so much constant stress that all it takes is one bad conversation to push us onto an irreversible path of negativity?
Starting to sound like a grim prospect, right? I personally don't think most people are living at the edge of chaos, where one bad conversation might cause them to spiral out. However, I have noticed that in the current socio-political-economic climate, leaders are facing rapidly rising pressures. The pressure comes from all sides and is often relentless. Investors want growth and profitability. Customers want high-quality features at low costs. Competitors try to undercut your every move. Employees want autonomy and stability. I talk to a fair number of C-level executives, and every single one of them is stressed out. They are all trying to balance a multi-variable equation that cannot be balanced without pissing off at least one variable. It's great to be at the top when things are humming along. It is absolutely terrible when things are going poorly. When things go south, everyone wants a piece of the person at the top. In fact, I am fairly certain that before this period of uncertainty is over, at least a few executives I personally know will pull the ripcord and bail out of the profession.
So what can leaders do? A common piece of advice given out (including to me) is to compartmentalize. Board member yelled at you? Compartmentalize it. CEO yelled at you? Put it in a box. Customers yelled at you? Get a bigger box. Employees yelling at you? Get a box for the box. Put it in the box and hide it away.
What is compartmentalization and why is it considered a skill for leaders? Compartmentalization at its core is a form of mild dissociation. It's separating the unpleasant parts of your psyche that are in conflict with each other and creating a mental divider between the two conflicting thoughts to avoid cognitive dissonance. For example, a high-flying salesperson who just sold software to an authoritarian government and scored a six-figure bonus might put their work life in a box and hide it away so that they can continue to live a normal suburban life, go to PTA meetings, host neighborhood barbecues, etc. In this case, "hide it away" means I am not going to think or talk about it outside of work. I am not going to discuss the ethical or moral implications of what I do. After I am done with work, I am just going to focus on being an awesome parent and a productive, happy member of my little corner of the world.
When I first brought this topic up with my then-mentor ten years ago, they gave me the exact same advice. I had just been yelled at by my boss, my boss's boss, and one of my employees on the same day, and I was pretty much close to throwing in the towel that day, so I was really looking forward to talking to my mentor. About ten minutes into the conversation, they said, "Mahesh, what you have to do is compartmentalize these things. You can't let these get under your skin." For the next few years, that's what I did. I tried to gently dissociate from the negative parts of my work life. Every bad day at work went into a box, and the box went under the metaphorical bed beneath my amygdala.
So I did this for about five years, and life was great.
PSYCH!!
It wasn't. It was terrible.
The box under the bed became bigger every year and eventually started spilling out. If my family wasn't there to ground me, the box would have exploded magnificently, and emotionally charged shrapnel would have flown everywhere. However, the stress got to a point where I started seeing physical changes in my body. I won't go into too much detail, but it involved lots of doctors trying to figure out what was wrong with me. They ultimately decided that something in my body was causing an inflammatory reaction, which was causing the physical changes I was noticing. That "something" was the leaky box under the bed.
Compartmentalization doesn't work.
It isn't healthy to bottle things up. It is a terrible idea to put things in a box and file them away. The only way to get through life without losing your mind (or body) is to process the shit that's inside the box. So what does it mean to process it? There are many healthy ways to process radioactive emotions. These are my favorites:
Find a friend (or two) - Leadership is often (always?) a lonely endeavor. Find someone to talk shop with. Bonus points if you can find someone who is in the same boat as you. I have a few close friends (my family being one of them) that I share everything with. As I have mentioned in a previous post, a little bit of commiserating is healthy as long as at some point both of you start moving into solution mode. There is nothing better than being able to unload to a friend who will instantly know what you are talking about and is there to hear you out and help you because you will do the same for them.
Journal/Write - I process things by writing them down. All my essays, including the book I wrote, are all about me trying to process the ups and downs of my professional world and trying to make sense of it all. The great thing about journaling is that the act of writing forces your brain to process what you are feeling. Difficult things will always appear simpler when you write them down. Trust me, it's like a cheat code for processing tough situations.
Meditate - I have written about the virtues of meditation in previous posts, but I will quickly recap. Meditation allows your brain to take a pause. When the engine overheats, you have to give it a minute to cool down; otherwise, it will start breaking down. Meditation doesn't have to be complicated or time-consuming. All you need is five minutes every day. Here are the steps:
Find a quiet part of your house. Preferably a room with a door and a window.
Place a chair next to the window and sit down on it. Back straight. Palms down on your knees. Relaxed shoulders.
Remove all distractions. Remove your smartwatch and put it away. Set a timer for five minutes.
Straighten your back and close your eyes.
With your eyes closed, try to identify sounds you hear outside your window. Try to find birds chirping. Cars. Kids playing. Try to keep your focus on the sounds.
In about a minute or so, your mind will calm down enough for you to go to the next step, which is counting down.
Start with ten and count down to one. If a stray work thought pops into your head, don't get mad. Ignore it and continue counting down.
Once you get to one, start counting down again, until your timer rings.
In the beginning, it will feel like your mind is racing all over the place, but with practice, you can get your mind to dissociate enough to recover from the pressures of life. Over time, you can increase the time to ten, fifteen minutes, or longer.
Physical fitness - Specifically, I am talking about strenuous cardio workouts. Not only are they good for staying healthy, but they're the only activity that causes your brain to release endorphins. Endorphins are natural painkillers that alleviate pain and elevate your mood. Find time to work up a sweat regularly, and it will result in lifelong benefits.
Make a change - Here is an interesting observation I have made over the years. People are more willing to stay in a crappy work situation than to take the risk of making a change for the better. It might seem like the risk associated with finding a new job or leaving your stable (but stressful) job to start a new company or business is way too high. Trust me when I say that silently suffering in a job is not worth it. If you are dreaming of starting a new company or business or finding another job because your current one is getting on your last nerve, do it. Do it now. The short-term effort might be high, but it is an effort you can control. Index on your happiness.
Seek professional help - Sometimes the stress and emotional weight we carry is too much to process on our own, even with friends, family, and healthy habits. There's no shame in recognizing when you need professional support. A therapist or counselor can provide tools and perspectives that friends and family simply can't offer. Executive coaches (ahem, like yours truly) can also be invaluable for leaders dealing with workplace-specific challenges.
In closing, I want all of you to remember one thing. The human condition is a messy one. We are all trying to make the best of this one life. Let’s remember that we are all humans and give ourselves some grace. God knows we need it.