How to stay sane through the gauntlet of being a manager

Strengthen your body and mind.

I was originally planning on putting out part 2 of the previous post, but decided to take a detour into one of the most important things a leader needs to pay attention to, their personal health and wellbeing.

As a people leader, I have experienced a wide range of tempestuous emotions. I have experienced admiration from my bosses (including CEOs), which made my heart swell with pride, but I kept my cool and brushed them off, saying I was just doing my job. I have also been sideswiped by other bosses who told me I was neither aggresive nor firm enough with my team. I wanted to scream at them about how wrong they all were, but in the end settled for, "Thank you for the feedback; I will try to be better." I have experienced genuine gratitude from people who reported to me that made me feel light-headed with pride and joy, and yes, sometimes there were tears. But I kept my cool and told them they did most of the work, and all I did was help them find their inner strength. I have also been accused of being a ruthless capitalist by individuals on my team when I had to lay people off. I have been put on trial for destroying the company's culture on anonymous forums like Glassdoor and Blind. Some days were so dark that no amount of California sunshine could brighten them. Being a manager is like taking a slow-release emotional speedball, and if you are not careful, it can burn you out, cause you to lash out at your family, destroy your health, or worse. It can take the spot of darkness in your heart and distend it enough to shroud your entire being. 

To survive and thrive as a people leader, you must invest time in strengthening your mind and body. I am by no means suggesting I currently possess the mental and physical discipline of Obi-Wan Kenobi, but some of the techniques and strategies I describe next have definitely helped me become a Cal Kestis. 

Simply put, you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first so that you can safely put it on your family and the teams you manage.

Disclaimer, I am not a doctor or a scientist. I am just sharing what has worked for me. Before starting an exercise routine, consult with your doctor first.

Strengthening the body

Many people turn to common drugs like alcohol, nicotine, or THC to 'relax.' But some of the best drugs are, in fact, made by our own bodies. One of the most potent analgesics in the world is a class of chemicals known as Endorphins, and our body makes them. Endorphins are secreted by the pituitary gland and hypothalamus, both located in the brain. The word Endorphin comes from the words "endogenous," which means within the body, and "morphine," an opiate pain reliever. Put together that means endorphins are natural pain relievers. They are "feel-good" chemicals that can make you feel better and put you in a positive state of mind. Translation, they can make you feel high.

Physical activity is the easiest way to stimulate your body to release Endorphins. And when I say physical activity, I specifically mean exercises that can give you a strenuous cardio workout. Less stressful physical activities are also immensely helpful, like taking long walks, going for hikes, etc. But nothing comes close to completely clearing your mind and making you feel good like strenuous cardio workouts. 

I like running outside. The rhythmic slap, slap of my shoes hitting the pavement, and the assuring whoosh, whoosh of air in and out of my lungs clears away all the emotional barbed wires that tend to grow around my body after a tough day at work. I used to run three times a week, but with a growing family and a demanding work schedule, it's hard for me to do that these days, so I aim for at least one good run a week. Whenever I run outside, I try to run for at least 4 miles (and about 9 minutes/mile, nothing crazy) and weave in equal parts hills and flatlands. I also jump on my peloton or elliptical when it's not nice outside, or I am just not motivated enough to get outside. But enough of talking about what I do right now. What I really want to talk about is how I got started and why I feel anyone can learn to run and become healthy with a little bit of motivation.

The year was 2009, and I was twenty-seven years old, overweight (I weighed 230 lbs), with unhealthy habits, and for the first time in my life, I had disposable income that I was spending on burgers and beers. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. 

It was also the year I got married. My wife pushed me to get my very first physical in a very long time. I still remember the nice lady doctor's somber look on her face when she told me that If I didn't change my habits, I would develop Type 2 diabetes, and I most likely would have to get on medication to lower my cholesterol. When I went home and told Krishma (my wife) about it, she didn't get worried but said, "Starting tomorrow, you are coming with me to the Y."

I started hitting the Y with my wife. The first time I got on the elliptical machine, I thought I would pass out after the first twenty minutes. Over the course of the next few months, I was able to stay on for about forty minutes or so but it didn't make a huge difference in my weight or health. I lost some weight, but not much.

In 2011 we got a dog. I never had a dog growing up but always wanted one, so when I had the financial freedom to get one, I pulled the trigger. Mickey was a boxer. He was a giant ball of energy, and I was determined to give him the necessary exercise. We lived in a tiny condo back then, so Mickey and I were often out on the snow-battered streets of Allston, Brighton, and Brookline. As he got bigger, he got stronger. When he wanted to chase something (squirrel, doggie messages on electric poles, human friends on the street), he would pull so hard on the leash that I thought he would choke himself. 

We were on one of our walks, and Mickey was pulling like a freight train like usual. As we turned into Comm Ave in Brighton, I noticed a fellow dog walker running with her dog on the other side of the street. And just like that, I decided to try running. I took off running with Mickey by my side. It was a full-blown sprint. I could only run for about ten seconds. I stopped at the end of the street, huffing and puffing with my heart hammering in my head, threatening to blacken my vision. However, I noticed that Mickey was doing the same. He was panting hard. I had managed to tire him out for a bit, and he didn't pull on the leash for a few blocks. I had discovered a way to get him to behave. I also felt good about myself. Once my heart stopped hammering, my head felt clearer. I felt happier. So I decided to sprint across a couple of city blocks on every walk. And that's how I got started on my running journey.

Over the course of the next two years, a couple of city blocks became four city blocks, then five, then a whole mile. I never had any grandiose goals when I started running. I kept count of how many electric poles I ran past in my previous run, and I tried to beat it on my subsequent runs. Most of the time, it was just one more electric pole on every new run. I pushed the envelope slowly but steadily. Vince Lombardi was right when he said, "Inches make champions." What I learned in my early days of running is what I use to this date while managing teams. Small changes, administered consistently with positivity and perseverance, are one of the best ways to get your team to do something they are not used to.

Pretty soon, I was tiring Mickey out but not myself. So I would drop him off at home and go out again to finish my run. I started plateauing around a couple of miles. A few things helped me. Shortening my stride lengths helped me keep pushing past my boundaries when running out of energy. The other thing that I had to overcome was stomach cramps. Every new runner's enemy. One simple trick that helped me beat stomach cramps was to focus on my breathing. I would slow down and take a deep breath through my nose and out through my mouth. The second part is as important, if not more, than the first. If you don't exhale fully, your stomach cramps will worsen. Controlling my stride lengths and my breathing helped me push past my limits.

It took me about five years to get from zero to five miles. My weight dropped to 165 lbs, my cholesterol returned to normal, my resting heart rate came down to ~48 bpm, and I felt better than ever. I also made a few changes to my diet. I cut down sugary beverages from my diet completely, and I indulge in red meat sparingly. I am also trying to cut out alcohol from my life, but that is a bit more difficult!

The point I am trying to get across is, if an average Joe six-pack like me can get reasonably healthy, so can you. All it takes is a bit of motivation and perseverance. So next time you see an empty stretch of pavement in front of you, try to run till the end of it. Even if you don't make it to the end, it's ok; you are now a tiny bit stronger than you were at the beginning of your sprint.

A quick recap of takeaways from this section

• Endorphins are one of the best ways to survive the trials and tribulations of being a people leader

• Strenuous cardio workouts are the best way to generate endorphins

• Start small and build up your endurance over time. Positivity and Perseverance are key.

• If I can do it, anyone can

Strengthening the mind

It was circa 2012, and I was on the Green Line heading into downtown Boston for work. After about twenty minutes, I started feeling breathless as the trolley dipped out of the sunlight and went underground to head into Kenmore. I was sweating freely through my shirt, my heart started racing, and I felt like I was about to pass out. 

This sudden panic was brought about by my work. I was running a small team with insane deadlines and even more insane pressure to deliver on them. I dreaded going to work, but I kept going for the sake of my team. I had finally figured out how to align my team towards a common goal and managed to win my team's trust along the way. I didn't want to give up on them. I really wanted this to work out. 

As the trolley left Kenmore, my mind raced to figure out how to prevent myself from face-planting in the dirty vestibule of the Green Line where I was standing. Somehow my racing mind latched onto an old memory (probably from some movie or show) about how to calm a racing mind. I slowly inhaled through my nose, held it for half a second, and exhaled slowly through my mouth, relaxing my facial muscles. I felt instant relief. I did that for the next thirty seconds or so. The synapses firing wildly in my head calmed down, my breathing became normal, and I felt normal again. That is how I accidentally stumbled upon meditation as a mental relaxation technique.

Managers don't have the luxury of focusing on just one thing. They will keep getting pulled into a hundred different directions. They have to consume and process an overwhelming amount of information coming from everywhere. On top of all that, they are also in constant firefighting mode. The human brain works its best when it can experience equal amounts of focus and unfocus time. Being a manager is mostly stressful unfocused work. You don't have to take my word for it; just look at your calendar! 

Managers are not just expected to focus on multiple things at the same time, but they are also expected to express multiple emotional responses based on the situation. They are expected to be empathetic at times and dispassionate at others. They are expected to be motivating and directive. They are expected to be funny and serious. Sort of like Jekyll and Hyde, but way worse. All the constant swirl of emotions that managers go through does a number on their psyche. 

If you don't figure out how to give your brain a vacation, it will eventually start affecting your behavior. It affects different people differently, but for me, it made me irascible, gave me mild adult ADHD, heightened my anxiety levels, and even gave me a mild panic attack as I mentioned above. If you feel a tinge of panic when your smartwatch buzzes, or you see a work notification on your phone, it is time to start incorporating some mind-calming techniques in your day. Just ten minutes of daily meditation will help you take on your day with positivity and perseverance, even if it is weekly business review day!

All you need to get going is a comfortable chair and ten minutes of your time. I don't use any meditation apps, so I can't recommend any. Find a calm spot in your home, preferably near a window. I grew up practicing Hindu rituals, so I tend to sit facing the sun. Nothing refreshes me more than the gentle rays of the morning sun. 

If you wear a smartwatch, take it off and put it aside. Set a timer for ten minutes and close your eyes. Take a deep breath. In through your nose and exhale through your mouth slowly. As you are exhaling, imagine all the negative thoughts washing away with it. After you have done this a couple of times, start with some mindfulness. Mindfulness is a very simple but powerful meditation technique that allows your mind to focus on being intensely aware of what you're sensing and feeling in the moment without interpretation or judgment.

Try to find and listen to all the unique sounds around you. The songs of the birds. Your partner talking downstairs in their morning online scrum meeting. The faint jackhammer of a construction crew in the distance. The chatter of old ladies on the sidewalk walking their dogs. The vroom of a car most likely driven by the teenager next door. When you calm your mind and try to really focus, you will notice that the world around you is filled with a diorama of sounds. Sounds you can see with your mind. As your mind focuses on the sounds, it will eventually disconnect from everything else.

In the beginning, your mind will try to bail on you in about ten seconds. After ten seconds, it will want to know who messaged you while your eyes were closed or what emails you got. Don't get angry or irritated at yourself. Gently push your mind to focus back on the sounds outside your window. With some practice (it took me about a year), you will be able to effortlessly nudge your mind back on track. There will be days when your mind won't let go of work. On those days, I try a different technique. I slowly count down from ten to zero and then repeat that until my mind calms down. As I count down, I try to visualize the numbers in my mind. What I am trying to do is to get my mind to focus on the number rather than the work email it has latched on to. Once my mind calms down, I go back to the sounds. 

If you have somewhat succeeded in disconnecting your mind from the doldrums of whatever it was experiencing before, at about the five-minute mark, you will start to see interesting light patterns behind your closed eyes. Swirling, dancing patterns of white light that converge, break up, and emerge again. They are beautiful to watch (is it still watching when your eyes are closed??), and they are also a sign that you have succeeded in disconnecting your mind. Some researchers posit that this phenomenon occurs as a result of stimulation of the pineal gland, which is situated deep inside the brain. There is some evidence to support the theory that when ancient philosophers refer to the third eye, they are, in fact, referring to the pineal gland.

The more you practice, the better you will become in successfully calming your mind. A calmer mind means you will be able to listen better, you will empathize more, you will be able to deliver critical feedback with grace and much more. You will also notice that you can now get through a weekly business review where you have to tell your stakeholders that your team will be late without sending your heart into turbo mode!

A quick recap of takeaways from this section

• Managers don't have the luxury to focus on one thing. 

• Constant context and emotion switching will put the mind in forever switched-on and stressed-out mode.

• Our brains like periods of focus time mixed with unfocus time

• Just ten minutes of mindfulness, done consistently, is enough to strengthen the mind